Office Talk

“Office speak” has always interested me.  It’s annoying, for one, and two, unlike a real sentence, it actually makes less sense the more you think about it.  Here is the first paragraph of a statement today about Blockbuster trying to buy out Circuit City.

Blockbuster noted the combination of the two companies would result in an $18 billion global retail enterprise uniquely positioned to capitalize on the growing convergence of media content and electronic devices. The transaction would allow both companies to benefit from the revenue growth generated by their complementary products, while the resulting synergies would substantially improve consolidated financial performance, thereby increasing shareholder value.

There is no doubt jobs out there, somewhere, where all you do is translate things from layman to office-speak.  For example, the above paragraph probably came to the editor’s desk as follows:

Blockbuster thought that if they merged with Circuit City, they’d be worth 18 million, and together be in a nice position to sell all kinds of content for today’s customers.  The merger would be great for both sides, because customers would only have to go to one spot and therefore would be more willing to spend money.  That means STRAIGHT CASH AND TITTIES, HOMIES.

I would like to have this job.  I feel that my unique experience as an idea-to-text expressionist has enabled me to move forward and capitalize on a position which would benefit any forward-thinking progressive organization.  Bringing me aboard for this cutting edge synergism of thought and action would result in substantially improved consolidated performance, and would no doubt increase shareholder value.  It’s a win-win.  Put some pants on it and CC me on that email.