The Phoenix Lights 2008

I’d be remiss in my… personality?… if I did not say something about the lights seen over Phoenix yesterday evening.

I did not know about them until this afternoon, while quickly grabbing a bite to eat at my work’s food court.  I caught a glimpse of a news report on the TV, with the text on the bottom of the screen:  “Mysterious Lights Appear Over Phoenix, Arizona.”  It was on CNN, under the banner “BREAKING NEWS!” so for an instant I thought it was actually legitimate breaking news and it was on all the channels just like in Signs.

I made in my pants.

Of course, it ended up not being on all the channels and the news reporters were laughing and making jokes, but for an instant I found out what my reaction would be if something like this really did happen.  The strange thing was that I felt no fear, which is ironic because I’m terrified of alien imagery.  But my inital reaction was just “yes, finally.”  It was telling, because even if they came to destroy us all, I knew the world would change and we’d finally have an answer to whether or not we’re alone in the universe.

The thing is, if aliens really did visit us, what are the chances it would happen EXACTLY like it does in the movies?  Or EXACTLY like it does in the urban legends?  That is to say, what are the chances that four mysterious lights would appear in the sky, followed by a bunch more strange lights appearing over other major cities?  It’s too sci-fi to actually happen that way.  Then again, maybe it’s part of sci-fi in our culture because it has happened that way, or we know in some deep down level of our psyche that it will someday happen that way.  We can’t be sure.

I’ll sound all conspiracy theorist-like by saying that maybe this was real, and the reason it’s not getting more coverage is because our government is covering it up.  I don’t believe that, but then again would not be surprised.  But why cover it up?  I have to believe if they came out and said, “yes, those are definitely aliens,” there would be mass panic, suicide, and then lawsuits.  More importantly, the American public would be unpredictable, and the economy might tank as people shut themselves away in their homes.

I’m sure the lights were really just prank flares or even weather related, and the rational part of me says there is about 0.04% chance of, even if they were real, it having anything to do with aliens.  The first logical conclusion would be that it’s some kind of new technology from right here on Earth.

But even if that’s the case, and the lights were made right here on Earth, who’s to say when they were made on Earth?  Maybe all these UFO sightings and mysterious lights are not confirmation of the existance of aliens, but rather confirmation of time travelers.

A common argument against time travel is that, if it were some day possible, we’d be seeing people from the future right now, all around us.  There are two counter-arguments:  1) we, as a species, don’t make it that far and die off before we figure out how to do it, or 2) we are being visited, but they stay out of the way to avoid all the time paradoxes that can crop up (altering history, etc.)

Really, why else would they look so similar to us?  Given the complexity of life and how it evolves, and every single minute detail that effects how we grow to adapt to our environment, the chances of beings on another planet evolving with two legs, two arms, two eyes, a nose, and a mouth is slim.  You could obviously bring God into the equation, but I don’t have enough knowledge to speak about that.

Anyway, what I’m trying to say is that if true aliens visited us, they’d look nothing like us, because they did not evolve on Earth.  So if one day they do show up and look kind of like us, it means either we are their distant ancestors and they have something to do with us being here on this planet, or that’s what we’ll look like in 10,000 years and our ancestors are coming back to pay us a visit.

Oh, that’s just my great-great-great-great-great-to-the-345th-power grandson.

So anyway, Signs is totally going to be my first Blu-ray purchase, and I’ve decided with my bonus tax rebate I’m going to do exactly what the government intended for people to do and go out and “stimulate” the economy with the purchase of a Playstation 3.  Not for playing games, mind you, but for playing Blu-ray discs.  Two reasons, really, but number one, it is the best investment.  DVD players purchased 6 or 7 years ago were hundreds of dollars, and are now selling for $20.  PS2’s, however, were purchased years ago for $300 dollars and are still going for over a hundred in most places.  And 2) hey, maybe some day I’ll play games on it.

Anyway, when I get Signs on Blu-ray everyone can come over and we can have a big alien extravaganza and eat alien shaped cake and watch the Brazilian party scene over and over.  (Scariest part about that scene:  when the camera is showing the garage, the alien is right there, in the trees, and you can see him if you look closely enough.  In hi-def, that’s gonna be just stellar.)

Steller, I say.